My theory isn't perfect, but it's close

Can you hear my thoughts?

I think you can.

Lonely as I am, Together we cry

Sometimes I just feel so undesired.


Everything is perfect, why can't I just be as happy as I pretend to be?

i don't ever wanna go to bed.
please stay up for the fight.
the champ goes down like a clown in the second round .
i wish we'd had a bed he could lie.

lie to all your friends.

This is a new thing. I thought it was going to be easier than this. I guess I'm just losing my touch.

my head is lit.
i don't ever wanna go to bed.
your hair is on fire .
you snuff the blaze, turn to vapor, then you float away.

Adrenalin Junkie

Sometimes when I'm driving over a bridge or overpass, I like to imagine myself swerving off to the side and driving through the concrete walls suspending myself into thin air until I hit what was waiting for me below.

Please do not misunderstand me, it's not that I want to crash my car and die. But I want the feeling of falling, just me and my trusty road companion, it's steering wheel gripping my palms, the tires spinning aimlessly through nothing.


I sometimes wonder how fast I'd have to drive to make it through those walls. Would 70mph make a clean break? 75 maybe?



I want to pause mid-air, rewind, and drive through the walls again. I want to go over and over again until I stopped feeling my stomach drop. Again and again until my breath slowed down, my muscles relaxed. Again until the adrenalin runs dry.

A place to hang my coat

This is how I stay sane. Everyone needs a coat rack by their doorway, a place to hang their troubles before they walk through the door. I place to put every ounce of negativity that they have felt from work, school, outside life...in order to enjoy the good things that are waiting at home for them.

This is my coat rack. Don't judge me by it. It drips with disdain and every word gets darker with each tap of the keys.

It's 1:25am. I just got home. Rewind to 1:20 when I was driving on 80 headed towards Jefferson and passed the I-5 exit to Redding. Rewind to 1:19 when I thought about taking the I-5 to your place. Rewind to the three seconds before that debate, where the slightly buzzed version of myself realized that at 1am, after a long day and a beer, all I want is to be shirtless and laying next to you.

Rewind to 1:21 when I told myself what an idiot I am for being so addicted- so madly in love with you, when you do not feel the same way.


I know I jump the gun. I make irrational decisions and bold moves. But it kills me to see you every day and not be able to tell you how much I love you. A secret like that eats away at your soul. So I broke loose just to be free. And now my confession has put me in a dark room alone.

And now I dont know what hurts more- not being able to tell you every day that I love you because it might make you uncomfortable- or knowing that even if I did say it, you still wouldn't say it back.

Its 1:37. And I've said enough. Time to hang my coat up on the rack.

Temporarily passify the hunger

I'm hungry, but have been too distracted to eat.

The hunger grows, and I gather berries and fruit along my journey. But not enough to satisfy.

I'm beginning to think that in most cases, love is not the answer. In fact it is only a distraction. Often times it is the dissipation of love that fills the void, usually by creating another void to focus on.

Distractions will not make me whole. How long will I feel like half a person?

I am sitting in my sanctuary. But God is not here right now. I cannot feel Him. I cannot feel a thing but hunger. Where is that damn bread and wine they promised?

Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick

To dream that a house is on fire, indicates that you need to undergo some transformation. If you have recurring dreams of your family house on fire, then it suggests that you are still not ready for the change or that you are fighting against the change. Alternatively, it highlights passion and the love of those around you.

Pieces of the wall I broke down still remain, as they should. The past isn't haunting, but it's never forgotten, and remembering the feelings that lead to destruction only get in the way.

I want to fly. I want to pretend that I never touched the ground. I would perch myself on a tree and sing to you if I could. But even then, you'd only learn to fly when you were ready.

Letting the dog off the leash

My inner pessimist needs to get out every once in awhile and just say

FUCK

I hate dating. I hate the overwhelming feeling of suffocation every time I open and close the door. I feel like I am purposely stubbing my toe in the desk over and over again.

Fish in the Sea

While walking to art class I started thinking about the annual men's crab feed in January. Its 3 months away. I don't know why it popped into my head.

I began trying to picture you there. Would you even come along? Would you be among my stepfather and brother...and him? Would things be ok by then?

And what bout her?... Would she come along with the rest of the girls, with his mom, with my mom, with me? Would things be awkward? Would things be ok by then?

And then I remembered...

you hate seafood.

I laughed out loud. You don't fit the mold, you make it.

Everything will be ok by then.

Glass Ceiling

"Limitations are set, only then can we go all the way"
-John Frusciante

What does this mean? How do we define limits and who sets them?

Oh the things we say

"Tell me who am I without you

By my side?"

-George Harrison

Though the definition of independence varies, I've found difficulties in understanding where it plays a role in romantic relationships. I wont go into details, but there is usually some battle in all relationships, usually at the beginning, where couples start to test their limits of independence.

Through my experience, and watching those of others, I've seen that there is a certain stereotype (mostly women fall into this category) of people that "relationship hop." They go from one serious relationship to the next, and end up in a tornado cloud of codependency. They start to see themselves as incomplete without relationships, because this is all they know. They are at the very bottom of the "independence" chain. In fact, their lower than that. They're the bottom feeders off the bottom line of the independence chain.

Being a former relationship hopper, I can say that this stereotype isn't entirely inacurate. But what i will say is this: bottom feeders can make their way to the top.

There is a level of independence that you can achieve in relationships. In fact, most healthy relationships support the individual needs of one another and understand the importance of keeping an amount of independence while still wanting the help and use of each other.

So to those of you who have heard before, "you need people too much," or "you're incomplete without a bf/gf" or your a "relationship-aholic," this is what I would say to them...

"If I was meant to be alone, God wouldn't have made me to be so frikin cool."

You are your mother's daughter

Its a common fear to end up just like your parents. And though its genetically impossible to be just like them, the forces between nature and nurture do a great job of getting us to that destination. But is this our only fate?

At 23, I've almost reached that destination. Today my mother called me three times before noon. She's lonely. But not because she doesn't have people that love her. Because she didn't ever learn how to make herself happy.

I found my (aka Ana's) old copy of Rabbit, Run (John Updike) which reminded me that I've only read 5 pages of it. In those 5 pages during a scene when Rabbit gets home to his prego wife to find her watching childrens TV shows, one of the children on the program says something like, "Know Thy Self" or something. This, he said, was the key to happiness.

*on a sticky note on the same page, in Ana's writing, reads: "yet becomes selfish in his attempt to know ONLY himself."

My mother is an amazing woman. She has battled with breast cancer, lived through a rough divorce, raised 2.5 kids on her own, and still has a keen sense of humor (especially after a glass of wine). But what I've come to learn from her about life is that it can be very lonely, especially when you don't know yourself. Like most women, her happiness is based primarily off of her sucessfulness (or unsucessfulness) in relationships. I know my brother and I play a very important role in her life. But though no mother could stand the thought of losing all their children, I sometimes wonder where she'd be without us and her husband.

And I think she wonders that too.

I'm no Beyounce, you will never hear me shout, "All the women, who are independent!!!..." (unless I'm drunk and paid to do karaoke). I'm not saying that women need to be entirely self sufficient. I believe there is a harmony in relationships that can complete you, and that it's ok to place a certain emphasis on them. But though your kids and husband may be your "life," in reality they aren't. Your life started from the moment you were conceived, and I think its safe to say that your significant other probably wasnt there. (One can only hope!)

So where does that leave me?...

Though I hope to be figuring myself out throughout my entire life, there are a few things about myself that I know are true. One being that all on my own, without any associations, I am an incredible person. I'm very genuine, very passionate, and very understanding (for the most part). The people i choose to surround myself with, though they are loved dearly, are merely accessories to my life. But I must admit, like my mother, I do let my personal relationships cloud my vision of #1.

I do find myself rearranging and adjusting my life to make these relationships harmonous. And that's fine by me, I am happy to do so. But my life's rotation should not be centered around planet boyfriend...

Though he's an incredible man, I need to learn that not only is it ok, but it is appropriate that I am the keeper of my own happiness. So sorry, incredible bf. You'll have to take the passenger's seat (unless of course you do something wrong or fuck up. then its the back seat for you sir! haha jk)

As old as I feel, I know I am still young, and I still have hope for change.

Time to start now.

The Little Engine that Could

I sit here on my couch in my red christmas pajama pants and favorite orange sweatshirt. Raising Helen is playing on TV. Kate Hudson plays a busy career driven thirty-something year old with only one thing on her mind: herself. Her sister passes away in a tradgic accident (car related I think?) and she has just been told she must now look after her two neices and nephew. This is now the scene where she sneaks outside to the back yard to "check on the lawn," aka smoke a cigarette.

I close my eyes and for a minute I am her. This is my cigarette break.

In an hour I will be on my way for my "night" job. No, it's not like that. When I say "waitressing" I mean "waitressing." But at this point I'm wondering if I should rethink my night job for something more financially supporting. I am a proud owner of a "C" cup afterall.

My body is exhausted. In fact I think it's starting to rebel against me. I have been sick three times in the past two months, and I don't think I've been able to breath out of my right nostril in over 4. At the moment I have no voice. Literally...and possibly figuratively.

Today I got a letter in the mail from my school inviting me into Phi Theta Kappa, an international honor society for two-year colleges. Yeah, it's an accomplishment. But also a reminder that I'm still in the minor leagues. After looking over the brochure, my first thought was, "another time commitment." More meetings, more volunteering, more opportunities that I will have to say no to because of work obligations. Something else I will have to pass up for a minimum wage job.

In two and a half years, whether a member of Phi Theta Kappa or not, I will be a proud owner of an AA, something I should have obtained a long time ago. But as I like to say, there's no such thing as "should," and no such thing as, "supposed to be." I will have taken, and hopefully passed, my OTA test, making me a COTA. This acronym is simply just a fancy way to say I'll be making a whopping 40,000 starting and may actually be in a rewarding career that I like. Two years couldn't come soon enough.

Until then I will keep wondering if it's all worth it.

I will keep chugging along. I just hope my caboose will hold up until I can reach my destination.