Adrenalin Junkie

Sometimes when I'm driving over a bridge or overpass, I like to imagine myself swerving off to the side and driving through the concrete walls suspending myself into thin air until I hit what was waiting for me below.

Please do not misunderstand me, it's not that I want to crash my car and die. But I want the feeling of falling, just me and my trusty road companion, it's steering wheel gripping my palms, the tires spinning aimlessly through nothing.


I sometimes wonder how fast I'd have to drive to make it through those walls. Would 70mph make a clean break? 75 maybe?



I want to pause mid-air, rewind, and drive through the walls again. I want to go over and over again until I stopped feeling my stomach drop. Again and again until my breath slowed down, my muscles relaxed. Again until the adrenalin runs dry.

A place to hang my coat

This is how I stay sane. Everyone needs a coat rack by their doorway, a place to hang their troubles before they walk through the door. I place to put every ounce of negativity that they have felt from work, school, outside life...in order to enjoy the good things that are waiting at home for them.

This is my coat rack. Don't judge me by it. It drips with disdain and every word gets darker with each tap of the keys.

It's 1:25am. I just got home. Rewind to 1:20 when I was driving on 80 headed towards Jefferson and passed the I-5 exit to Redding. Rewind to 1:19 when I thought about taking the I-5 to your place. Rewind to the three seconds before that debate, where the slightly buzzed version of myself realized that at 1am, after a long day and a beer, all I want is to be shirtless and laying next to you.

Rewind to 1:21 when I told myself what an idiot I am for being so addicted- so madly in love with you, when you do not feel the same way.


I know I jump the gun. I make irrational decisions and bold moves. But it kills me to see you every day and not be able to tell you how much I love you. A secret like that eats away at your soul. So I broke loose just to be free. And now my confession has put me in a dark room alone.

And now I dont know what hurts more- not being able to tell you every day that I love you because it might make you uncomfortable- or knowing that even if I did say it, you still wouldn't say it back.

Its 1:37. And I've said enough. Time to hang my coat up on the rack.

Temporarily passify the hunger

I'm hungry, but have been too distracted to eat.

The hunger grows, and I gather berries and fruit along my journey. But not enough to satisfy.

I'm beginning to think that in most cases, love is not the answer. In fact it is only a distraction. Often times it is the dissipation of love that fills the void, usually by creating another void to focus on.

Distractions will not make me whole. How long will I feel like half a person?

I am sitting in my sanctuary. But God is not here right now. I cannot feel Him. I cannot feel a thing but hunger. Where is that damn bread and wine they promised?

Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick

To dream that a house is on fire, indicates that you need to undergo some transformation. If you have recurring dreams of your family house on fire, then it suggests that you are still not ready for the change or that you are fighting against the change. Alternatively, it highlights passion and the love of those around you.

Pieces of the wall I broke down still remain, as they should. The past isn't haunting, but it's never forgotten, and remembering the feelings that lead to destruction only get in the way.

I want to fly. I want to pretend that I never touched the ground. I would perch myself on a tree and sing to you if I could. But even then, you'd only learn to fly when you were ready.