A year of Firsts, Lasts, and Do-overs

I realized that I have less than two months to learn from the triumphs and mistrials of 2009. I better get started.

Edit 11.22

I'll try to go back to the beginning.

I started 2009 off drunk in a random club surrounded by 200 strangers, my mother, her crazy 40 year old friend, Holly (that dressed too young for her age), and Holly's son. He was a typical southern Cali boy. We had worked together before, we were friends, but there was no physical or emotional connection. No connection at all really.
Then my mom and stepdad left the club. I stayed there, dancing with strangers.

I woke up on the foot of a hotel bed. Happy New Year hangover.

Three days later I talked to my ex. Big mistake, but an incredible eye opening experience.

"Why am I here in so much pain, and alone? Why aren't you here for me like I was there for you in the darkest times?! YOU OWE THIS TO ME!"

What I was really trying to say was, "You did this to me. And now I want you to feel as bad as I do."

On January 5th I realized that wasn't for me to decide. And so I cut my losses and found that being alone was way better than thinking I could depend on someone who made me feel worse. I'd rather be 1 than -1.

"I don't make you feel anything. You do that all on your own."

First lesson of 2009. Learned. Check.

Edit 11.23

It's November 23 and I'm up at 1am drinking watered down Jager on the rocks in my pjs. This is not at all unlike the time I mixed Meyers rum with Tampico one afternoon at my dads house last spring.

I was desperate for a glass of wine or anything that could take me into the 2nd dimension. I wanted to draw the house I lived in and the people I was surrounded by. Mostly, I just wanted to be surrounded by people.

So after discovering that I had already devoured my two bottles of wine that I got from a date back in 2008 (I believe I had finished atleast one bottle to myself in early January as we celebrated my stepsisters 20th birthday- we'll get to that later), I had to use my resources. Only problem is my dad and stepmom don't drink. It's really weird living in a household that doesnt drink alcohol. Not that my mother was even close to being an alcoholic... I just think sometimes it's necessary. Especially on family get togethers and occasions such as this.

So I found the Meyers Rum and searched the refridgerator for a mixer but found only milk and "pink" flavored Tampico. I really have no idea what the Tampico was supposed to taste like, but I imagined if pink lawn flamingos could be brought to life and then "juiced," they'd taste something like pink Tampico.

This, I always thought, was a very depressing day for me. I even have pictures on my facebook documenting it. It was sometime after I got my "bad" haircut (it wasn't really bad, just WAY too short for my liking). I remember texting a bunch of random people in a desperation for human contact. Though i know I have some pretty cool friends, it's usually on these days that I feel most alone.