You are your mother's daughter

Its a common fear to end up just like your parents. And though its genetically impossible to be just like them, the forces between nature and nurture do a great job of getting us to that destination. But is this our only fate?

At 23, I've almost reached that destination. Today my mother called me three times before noon. She's lonely. But not because she doesn't have people that love her. Because she didn't ever learn how to make herself happy.

I found my (aka Ana's) old copy of Rabbit, Run (John Updike) which reminded me that I've only read 5 pages of it. In those 5 pages during a scene when Rabbit gets home to his prego wife to find her watching childrens TV shows, one of the children on the program says something like, "Know Thy Self" or something. This, he said, was the key to happiness.

*on a sticky note on the same page, in Ana's writing, reads: "yet becomes selfish in his attempt to know ONLY himself."

My mother is an amazing woman. She has battled with breast cancer, lived through a rough divorce, raised 2.5 kids on her own, and still has a keen sense of humor (especially after a glass of wine). But what I've come to learn from her about life is that it can be very lonely, especially when you don't know yourself. Like most women, her happiness is based primarily off of her sucessfulness (or unsucessfulness) in relationships. I know my brother and I play a very important role in her life. But though no mother could stand the thought of losing all their children, I sometimes wonder where she'd be without us and her husband.

And I think she wonders that too.

I'm no Beyounce, you will never hear me shout, "All the women, who are independent!!!..." (unless I'm drunk and paid to do karaoke). I'm not saying that women need to be entirely self sufficient. I believe there is a harmony in relationships that can complete you, and that it's ok to place a certain emphasis on them. But though your kids and husband may be your "life," in reality they aren't. Your life started from the moment you were conceived, and I think its safe to say that your significant other probably wasnt there. (One can only hope!)

So where does that leave me?...

Though I hope to be figuring myself out throughout my entire life, there are a few things about myself that I know are true. One being that all on my own, without any associations, I am an incredible person. I'm very genuine, very passionate, and very understanding (for the most part). The people i choose to surround myself with, though they are loved dearly, are merely accessories to my life. But I must admit, like my mother, I do let my personal relationships cloud my vision of #1.

I do find myself rearranging and adjusting my life to make these relationships harmonous. And that's fine by me, I am happy to do so. But my life's rotation should not be centered around planet boyfriend...

Though he's an incredible man, I need to learn that not only is it ok, but it is appropriate that I am the keeper of my own happiness. So sorry, incredible bf. You'll have to take the passenger's seat (unless of course you do something wrong or fuck up. then its the back seat for you sir! haha jk)

As old as I feel, I know I am still young, and I still have hope for change.

Time to start now.

The Little Engine that Could

I sit here on my couch in my red christmas pajama pants and favorite orange sweatshirt. Raising Helen is playing on TV. Kate Hudson plays a busy career driven thirty-something year old with only one thing on her mind: herself. Her sister passes away in a tradgic accident (car related I think?) and she has just been told she must now look after her two neices and nephew. This is now the scene where she sneaks outside to the back yard to "check on the lawn," aka smoke a cigarette.

I close my eyes and for a minute I am her. This is my cigarette break.

In an hour I will be on my way for my "night" job. No, it's not like that. When I say "waitressing" I mean "waitressing." But at this point I'm wondering if I should rethink my night job for something more financially supporting. I am a proud owner of a "C" cup afterall.

My body is exhausted. In fact I think it's starting to rebel against me. I have been sick three times in the past two months, and I don't think I've been able to breath out of my right nostril in over 4. At the moment I have no voice. Literally...and possibly figuratively.

Today I got a letter in the mail from my school inviting me into Phi Theta Kappa, an international honor society for two-year colleges. Yeah, it's an accomplishment. But also a reminder that I'm still in the minor leagues. After looking over the brochure, my first thought was, "another time commitment." More meetings, more volunteering, more opportunities that I will have to say no to because of work obligations. Something else I will have to pass up for a minimum wage job.

In two and a half years, whether a member of Phi Theta Kappa or not, I will be a proud owner of an AA, something I should have obtained a long time ago. But as I like to say, there's no such thing as "should," and no such thing as, "supposed to be." I will have taken, and hopefully passed, my OTA test, making me a COTA. This acronym is simply just a fancy way to say I'll be making a whopping 40,000 starting and may actually be in a rewarding career that I like. Two years couldn't come soon enough.

Until then I will keep wondering if it's all worth it.

I will keep chugging along. I just hope my caboose will hold up until I can reach my destination.