how

I sometimes wonder how or why I was created to live throughout this period in time. If was born sooner, I may not have had to live through this economic downturn.

Boo whoo. Life isn't fair.

Damn you consumer economy.

Vivian and the Tortoise

Last week I went to say goodbye to the house.
We had some unfinished business.
I didn't leave on my own terms. You know how things go.

Everything was gone, except a few candles and some real estate books my mother kept lying around. "Everything I Touch Turns to Sold"

I know it wasn't my home.
But you were still there.
You were there like a patch of fog on an early Sunday morning in SF.
I walked through you into the backyard.
No dogs.
No noise.
And then I saw it.
Daisies.
They had grown right where...
I looked around to see if there were anymore more daisies like them.
none.


I'm not sure if you were ever comfortable with that spot where I kept you
Or if you just wanted to explore
but like a little girl with a bird
I could have suffocated you with two much kindness
letting you walk only so far
but not far enough.
I wanted you with me.
Did you resent me for that?


I walked over to the daisies.
They grew right where you died
You must have known they were my favorite.

Of course you did.

If I Could Would You?

I forgot what it was like to see your face. Then today I saw it in a photograph that I didn't recognize. Wearing a silk baby blue shirt I've never felt. With arms skinnier than I remembered. And eyes darker than I've seen in a long time.

But same goddamn smirk.

I forgot why I never come to this place anymore. And then I saw your picture and I remembered.

You can't play basketball with me in the park. The weather is too cold in October. I asked you in August and all I got was silence. It's a little late to suggest a game of 1 on 1. The ball is in my court now, and I'm traveling with it.


I'll visit her by myself from now on. Thank you and have a great life.

Their aint no easy way, no there aint no easy way out

bad luck follows me like the plague, and infects everyone in its path.

Have I become so immune? Or is it that I am sick and do not see?

Or perhaps I draw myself to those with the disease. I, the positive force, reacting with the negative force. Or do they attract themselves to me?

The fact of the matter is: shit happens. And it used to always be to me. But not anymore.

Was this a set up? Was I chosen to learn to get up to help those that fall?

They're falling like flies and I have nothing to say. So what then? Why did you give me this ability to relate, if only to have to feel their pain, if only to have to know their grief and stand aside helplessly.

Wow. Good fucking plan. True master of intelligent design.

I know you told me to stay away from darkness. But even in the brightest of rooms there is always a dark corner or closet to hide in.


Angel, come play. Because I don't want to be the healer any longer.

I love this weather, it's the perfect storm. Just keep it coming in its perfect form.

Long afloat on shipless oceans
I did all my best to smile
til your singing eyes and fingers
Drew me loving to your isle

And you sang
Sail to me
Sail to me, let me enfold you
Here I am
Here I am...
Waiting to hold you

-Jim Buckley, Song to the Siren

I was totally unprepared for the storm today. But it was ready for me.
The trees outside my window scratched their nails on my roof as their branches wailed in the wind helplessly. It was 7:23am, already a rough start after a long night.

I didn't mind so much that the rain soaked through three layers of clothes from my car to my first class. Nor did I mind that despite my efforts to straighten my hair this morning, my teal beanie was now soaked, displaying the frizzy unrulyness that was underneath.

I dont mind that I can feel the cold draft next to the library windows as I watch students hurriedly rush to their classrooms to get out of the rain. My iceburg fingertips do not bother me.

Let the cold numb me, I think to myself.


I passed by 4 broken umbrellas laying on the sidewalks on my way to health class. Six if you count the one I saw in some guy's hands, and the pink polka dot one I saw break right in front of me as a gust of wind picked it up out of a woman's hands.
Bring. It. On.

It's October, everyone. Anything goes.

What an epic weekend, if I do say so myself. Late night shifts, followed by birthday celebrations, followed by early morning coffee runs for Harvest Sacramento, followed by early work, followed by getting dizzy and nauseated, followed by rushing home to throw up, followed by a throwing up of words and feelings with the roommie.

And that was just Fri night-Sat morning.

I want to walk outside and get picked up by the wind. I want it to drag me through the bushes and ivy leaves. I want it to take me to a meadow, a plateau, and brush me along the tall grass. It'd leave me there, and the sun would come out and shine on my face. And the rain would stop. Would I be happy then?